6 secrets to a happy marriage.

I remember at the tender age of just nineteen years old, standing up at the reception of my wedding with my new wife Kylie and declaring, no, prophesying to everyone, with great youthful idealism and optimism, that our marriage was going to be “a testimony to the world of what God intends for marriage!” Man, did I put a lot of pressure on myself! I remember our first fight ever which occurred one month after being married and realising I didn’t have a clue what was happening nor how to resolve this. There were simply no tools in the tool box! No experience to draw on. No wisdom available that comes from years of marriage. I was lost at sea, drowning in mysterious complexities of male and female incompatibility with no land in sight! I honestly don’t know how we got through that first fight, but somehow we did. Certainly not without a fair dose of shock and surprise, pain and confusion, panic and a debilitating soberness that only marriage can awaken your reality to. I felt like Neo waking up from the Matrix, bald, with no eyebrows, atrophied muscles and completely confused as to what is going on! (I may be slightly exaggerating for comedic effect although I know some people who would probably say I’m understating it compared to their awakening!) Yet I must say, as a man who is always up for a challenge, this first fight experience and the helpless feeling it produced in me, sparked a new determination to understand and figure out this strange and beautiful creature that God had given me. And to find a way to live in the fulness of the abundant life that God intended for marriage. God is not mean. He created marriage to be a wonderful thing and a source of great joy, fulfilment and destiny. And when we learn from the wisdom of the one who designed marriage, success is surely to follow.

Well over the past 20 years of marriage, Kylie and I can say it hasn’t been easy but we truly are best friends who love each other deeply, enjoy each other’s company, operate as a team and are fulfilling destiny together. Difficulties have had the effect of drawing us together and strengthening our bond. God’s “tested by fire” kind of wisdom has become our culture and guide to keep things continually healthy, strong and happy. It is possible to have a good marriage, no, a great marriage and we want to share with you six of our best secrets that have helped us keep our marriage healthy and happy.

So here are our 6 secrets to a happy marriage:

1. Devote yourself to your spouses happiness.

If you’re in marriage to make yourself happy it won’t work. Your focus is selfish. Selfishness destroys marriages. The reason you get married is because you fall in love with someone. And love by very nature is not selfish. It’s about the other person. It’s about laying your life down for them. Jesus said, “Greater love has no man than to lay his life down for a friend”. The highest form of love is to lay your life down. Jesus loved the Church, His Bride, and He laid His life down for Her. The reason you got married was not to make yourself happy but to make your beloved happy! If that is your focus I guarantee your marriage has a good chance at being great. But if your goal is to make yourself happy I guarantee your marriage is heading towards destruction. Instead of focusing on your happiness, start focusing on how you can make your spouse happy. Trust me, it will have an amazing result, especially if they’re also doing the same.

2. Develop your friendship.

If you don’t have a friendship you don’t have a marriage. If you want to have a great marriage you need to invest in your friendship. That’s why you’re together right? Because you’re both really good friends right? When little children get together with their friends all they want to do is play. Husbands and wives should play together! Have fun, laugh, tickle each other, joke around, go and do fun things together and just play. Let the little kid out in you that just wants to play. My wife Kylie is my best friend. We have fun together and really enjoy hanging out with each other. That’s because we keep investing in our friendship. We find the more we invest the funner it gets!

3. Don’t fight each other, fight for each other.

Winning the fight for a great marriage is not about fighting each other but fighting for each other. It’s to fight against everything that would try and destroy your marriage and your spouse and to do that together as a team. Stop standing toe-to-toe and start standing back to back to protect each other and your marriage as a team. A great marriage doesn’t happen by accident, you have to fight for it!

4. Deal with resentment.

Don’t allow resentment to build up. Resentment is a wedge that will drive you apart no matter how much you love each other. Your spouse wants someone they can respect not resent. If you are doing things that are causing them to lose respect for you instead of building respect they are already resenting you and it’s already driving you apart to some degree. You need to deal with it. You cannot be lazy or ignorant about it. If you just continue to allow for this resentment it will eventually build up to become “irreconcilable differences”. Getting angry or upset with your spouse because they’re not giving you the respect you think you deserve is not the answer, in fact it’s childish. You need to step up and do the things that win their respect and affections and dissolve resentment. That means you need to talk about things. If you do this I guarantee your marriage will move towards becoming great!

5. Don’t debate, communicate.

If you invest in your spouse with kind words and avoid harsh and accusing words I guarantee your marriage will improve. Every marriage will go through conflict and trials by fire. The way you process through them though will determine whether your marriage comes through on the other side as ash or as pure gold. How do you handle frustration and stress in your relationship? Do you focus on the negatives, turn on each other and fight each other, or do you focus on the positives, watch your words and lay your life down for the other person? Do you bring out the list of all the wrong, hurtful and bad things your spouse has done and use it as ammunition against them so you can win the fight or do you extend grace, mercy, forgiveness and love? Are your words harsh and vicious or gentle and kind? Do you have control over your words and emotions? Are you proud and determined to prove that you’re right and your spouse is wrong? Or are you humble and quick to admit that you’re at fault and that you’re sorry. Are you thoughtful of what your spouse is going through or are you just consumed with yourself? These “small things” determine a marriage of ash or pure refined gold.

6. Deep grace.

One of the secrets to a great marriage is the grace of God. It has taken our marriage to new heights. It hasn’t made us lawless and sinful or lazy and selfish. In fact it’s had the opposite effect and made us better people and better spouses. It has established us in our true identity in Christ, which deals with insecurity and it’s effects like fear, jealousy, defensiveness, protectiveness, being bossy and needing to control and has made us less complicated as people. Over the years it has dealt with our pride and brought humility which has sorted out things like stubbornness, unwillingness to change, having to be right, boastful, over opinionated, over confident and just plain irritating! It has brought faith to trust in God and know that He loves us and is with us in our marriage and therefore it drives out fear, anxiety, stress and impatience. His grace has brought peace into our souls which helps us overcome anger, strife, tension, stress, negativity, being overly intense and being driven by the wrong things and has brought an atmosphere of peace over our marriage and our home. His grace has blessed our marriage because it has changed us so much and made us each a better person to be married to. If you open you life up to the grace of God I guarantee it will improve your marriage by improving you!

If you take these 6 things and meditate on them and put them into practise in your marriage, it won’t be long until your marriage becomes healthier and happier and is moving towards becoming great!

God bless, and please share this with people you think it may bless.

All our love,

Ryan and Kylie Rufus.

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