Things I'd tell my younger self.

Ryan and I married when we were both 19 years old. We thought that we were awesome and really mature, we had plans, we were both studying, we were going places.

Then, life happened! Joyce Meyer once said, “Life is what happens when you’ve planned for something else!” How true is that! Ryan mentioned our first fight in the last blog, I remember it too, and the reality of realising that I don’t really know anything. Young, idealistic, passionate and right…..wrong! We knew the odds were stacked against us. We didn’t have real jobs or qualifications. We were dancing so close to the edge and at times it felt like we were hovering over the edge.

So, if I had the chance to tell my younger self a few things, what would I say? What advice would I give myself?

Well, I would want to firstly reassure my younger self that even though she was just married, and about to become a mum at 20, she was going to be ok!

What I’d say to myself about marriage:

Now that you’ve made a life commitment, understand that “life” means a L O N G time. It’s like the old Pantene commercial, “It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen”. Your life and marriage is a process, you can’t click your fingers or pray the right prayer and have it all sorted overnight. Be realistic! Give your husband room to be himself. Don’t try to force him to be what you want him to be. This means not jumping on every little problem or mistake. You have a long time to resolve who does what with household chores, so don’t let it be too big an issue. Keep things in perspective. Problems and friction usually arise when assumptions are made and premature conclusions are drawn, rather than having a normal conversation to figure out how things truly are. For better or worse, you have both come into marriage with different idea’s of how it should look and ways of doing things. Here’s something you haven’t realised yet Kylie, you are both completely different! You have the opportunity to make your marriage work in the way you want to. You can take the good things that you have learnt from your parents, from other couples and from books, but your relationship is going to be uniquely yours and Ryan’s. Therefore, be secure in that there isn’t only one textbook way to have a great marriage. You shouldn’t compare or measure your relationship with others. That will just make you feel depressed, plus it takes your focus off where it needs to be anyway.

Be mindful of your husband and what his needs are. That is a great place to start. Find out what makes him feel loved, what encourages him, what makes him laugh, what upsets him, what he fears. It’s not your job to make everything perfect, that is impossible. But understanding how he reacts and responds in different situations will help you to help him during that time. Support him, build him up and help him to be the best he can be. Lay down your fears and insecurities, you’re not doing him any favours when it comes to hiding these things, they have a way of surfacing at the most inappropriate times anyway (believe me!). Honest communication, as hard as it is at times, is the best way of resolving issues. Listen without interruption and let him speak. Try not to freak out but take a moment to think before you respond, especially in those really intense times. Then respond as best as you can with affirmation and love. Forgive one another, laugh with one another, encourage one another, say sorry and mean it, hold each other like you mean it, kiss and all the rest!!! Enjoy doing life and dancing together.

What I’d say to myself about becoming a mum:

Now that you’re having a baby, it will take time for this to sink in and things to settle down. Don’t be afraid. Just take it one day at a time at first, then take bigger steps. Unlike the Huggies commercials, the reality of having a baby, is that it’s hard to prepare for. You don’t know how you are going to cope with this new little baby. They may be the sweet angelic “good baby” that sleeps through the night and hardly ever cries. OR you might have a baby that cries all the time, doesn’t sleep when the book says it should, have bad reflux and be ridiculously difficult. You might not feel like your baby loves you or even likes you for awhile…… that’s okay. It takes time for them to show you that they love you. But it is really stressful at first, you don’t know what it’s going to be like, sleep deprivation, new financial pressures, irritable communication, disorganised home, trying to get to places on time, in clean clothes!!!…….. All of these things will be a challenge at first. Don’t worry about it, you will find a natural rhythm with all of that. My advice, is to take a deep breath, and keep breathing, you are going to be okay. People have been having babies for a long time, and you are going to be able to handle it. At first, the days and nights will be one big blur. Most babies are born with jet lag, and want to sleep in the day and play at night. You will feel like this is never going to end, and this little baby is never going to grow up. But, I’m here to tell you that even though it feels like that, it’s not true. Before you know it you will be walking down the baby isle at the shopping center and not needing to buy anything!  Babies are only small and immobile for a short time, you’ve still got tantrums, toilet training, fussy eating, attitudes, bedtimes, school, friends, homework, puberty and girlfriends and boyfriends to go. But you will be fine, enjoy your little baby, talk with them, write down funny stories, when they are older they love to hear stories of what they used to do. It’s okay to not have it all together all the time. You are not failing if you ask for help. We all need a break from time to time. Even though you are a parent, you are still a person, and you need space to be you too. You will get to know your child, their personality, their giftings, strengths and weaknesses as time goes on. Enjoy the process, cheer them on, correct them when they are wrong, include them in your life. Don’t let others raise your child, by all means, invite people in to help raise them, but don’t abdicate being a parent. You are the best thing for them, and you are equipped with the grace needed to raise them. Seek understanding about who they are and what they want to achieve in their life. Help guide them and love them through the ups and downs. You are an example to them, they learn so much from you. You’re the best thing for them, don’t doubt it!

As a nineteen year old I would have wanted to skip all the hard times and challenges that we’ve faced over the last 20 years but I have learned to embrace them and learn from them. They are a part of me, just like the good times. Together our life has been shaped by many things and I’m happy to say that I wouldn’t swap it for anyone’s. The place we’re at right now, we own.

We are still busy raising our kids but I can honestly say that I really like each one of them. I really enjoy them, their personalities, their characters. They are some of the funniest people I know!

Not to mention, I am so grateful to be doing this life with Ryan. He’s my favourite. He makes life extremely fun! The fact that I haven’t always felt this positive about our life is just testimony to His Grace that is at work in us.